Addressing my love – hate relationship with food

Weight Loss. Two words that can fill a person with so much dread. Whenever I think about my weight loss journey, I think it has been just that… a journey. With many ups and downs, caring too much and then really not giving a f*ck, eating nothing to eating everything.

It first started when I was 23. I had just got done with college, had put on my freshman 15, and then some. I landed my first “big girl” job and wanted to look good in suits. I got myself a trainer and gave up carbs and lost quite a bit of weight. And then, I ate carbs again, with a vengeance, and totally stopped caring. When I went to graduate school in Minnesota (what some people lovingly call MinneSNOWta), I loved being in a place that was super cold most of the year because – layers! You can hide a LOT when wearing lots of layers. After grad school, there were a lot of ups and downs with my weight which I would make up for by buying clothes in all sizes and hoarding them for a “just in case” situation. You know those right? Just in case I loose weight, just in case I put on weight. Just in case, just in case, just in case.

Then my last trip to New York happened. During this trip in summer 2019, I ate my way through the city. I’m talking real bagels with a lot of cream cheese for breakfast, a big fat Puerto Rican lunch followed by a big bowl of ramen for dinner. The food in the big apple is fantastic and I was so committed to eating it all over six weeks. I also wanted to shop while I was there and that turned out to be a scary experience. I had to shop a size up but hey! America caters to different sizes. I walked A LOT while enduring a horrid New York summer and I would get tired very quickly. All in all, by the time I returned to Dubai, I didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror and dressing up to go anywhere was a total nightmare.

After a couple of chats with friends who were starting or re-starting their own fitness journeys, I found out about Noom and decided to join. Noom was a fantastic first step as it tackles weight loss using data and psychology. I then got a trusted pal to reintroduce weight training into my life and slowly built my fitness level up from there.

Happy to report that I have now lost 10 kilos over one year and three months, have become a wee bit stronger, have found a way to use the contents of my closet because everything fits different and all in all, am feeling so much better than I did in the summer of 2019!

I’m sometimes asked about the “how” process, especially after seeing someone who hasn’t seen me in a while and so sees the difference in how I look. And finally, after the above mentioned thesis, on my 36th birthday (it’s OK, Nancy was 36 first), I figured I don’t really have a how but I do have a couple of things that helped me along this journey. I’m not an expert in this and am learning everyday but the following have been my biggest takeaways.

Addressing my love hate relationship with food

Being a food blogger and wanting to loose the weight, especially in a city like Dubai where food is available at the click of a button 24-hours a day, its very difficult. People sometimes tend to call you asking about where they should eat based on how they are feeling (yes, this is a thing). In order to not come across as a phoney, you want to have tried a lot of food in all parts of the city, just so you can address such concerns. You need content for Instagram and posts to put up on the blog. In fact, during my entire trip to New York, I was always on the look out for more, and different, and something new, just to have a fairly comprehensive blog post at the end of it. But this came at a price. And to top it all, I love food. I’m never a “oh I’ll eat whatever, as long as it’s food” kinda person. I LOVE food, especially all things that are bad for you.

This kind of love for food comes with a scary territory: you are either always on a diet or over-eating. But slowly you learn you have to understand why you are eating and train your brain to not fall into those patterns. For example, I had stopped watching TV for a while because watching TV came with a need to mindlessly eat (fog eating, it’s called. Thanks Noom!). Now as many of you know, I proudly binged watched 27 K-dramas last year but realised I no longer have the uncontrollable desire to snack when I watch TV like I used to. And when I do, tea is real friend. Understand your relationship with food, accept it and figure out what works for you.

Creating a lifestyle, not a diet

I learnt to cut myself some damn slack. I want this to be a part of my life – the conscious decision making to add vegetables to my plate as difficult as it is for me, to understand what foods are actually carbs and not “full of protein” like I have been told for most of my life. Overall, I learnt to make smarter choices. Yes, we get one life and I would like to live it to the fullest, as we all should. So I still celebrate with food (hello birthday ramen bowl). Biryani, fried chicken and most Samyang instant noodles are my favourites and I will not give them up. I will however, not eat any of the above mentioned things three times in a row (it’s been done before, and for longer than three meals mind you!). I just try my best (and honestly sometimes fail) at planning my other meals of the day around the big treat. This way, it’s sustainable. I eat things I love, just not every day.

Having a support group

This is going to read like a Grammy acceptance speech someday, you know, when I finally hit my goals and want to thank everyone. For now, I will only say this – that it has been one of the most important parts. Without some very key people, who have been at the other end of a “I’m never going to loose the weight, I might as well quit” meltdown, I wouldn’t still be on this journey. The best weight-trainer friend who has (unfortunately) figured out all my tells and pushes me to my brink (apart from calling me fat and lazy which I told him would work but he refuses to do so), my workout buddies for when I am doing that last set of push-ups and I want to stop but they are cheering you on and do not let you stop. We have also made it point to listen to each other go on about our revelations about our food relationships for hours at end. My work-wife who has been given explicit permission (and my God she uses it!) to ensure I don’t eat the unnecessary extra piece of chocolate during a tough day at work and in fact, she keeps my stash locked in her drawer and reminds me of my goals every time I want to slip. And the BFF and blog partner, who every time I am too hard on myself, is there to remind me of the progress, and also reminds me I don’t have to say yes to every request that comes our way.

I refuse to give advice to anyone starting out on a weight loss journey because I have been at the receiving end of a lot of unsolicited advice and it gets overwhelming. However, if I had to give one wee bit of advice, it would be this. Find people who are willing to encourage you and enable the good in you. They will push and remind you to get what you want for yourself.

The goal-getter

I seriously never thought that hanging a “goal jumpsuit” on my closet door to look at every day would work on me. It was a “green jumpsuit” that I bought off the internet when I was in New York. I found it on a store whose name I had never heard of and while the website didn’t look legit, I was trigger happy and bought it. It took 6-weeks to arrive and when it did, it didn’t fit. Actually, that is an understatement. The zipper didn’t give AT ALL. And while I don’t know what it was about that particular jumpsuit, I kept it and told myself in August that I would fit into it someday. That someday was December that year and it felt fabulous. We have now moved on to the “purple dress”.

Trusting my body a little more

I was told by people who know their way around fitness and nutrition (and are super inspirational and partially why I realised I could do this) that I had to start weight training and add cardio to my workout routines as well. Up to that point, I was big into yoga but with the lockdown, and not enjoying using YouTube for yoga lessons as much I preferred being in the studio, I wasn’t even as regular. Now, I train four times a week with my gang (see support group). I have to say I do not enjoy it. Especially lower body day. UGH! It’s the worst. But I know I need it so I do it. It’s also been fascinating to see my body acclimate to something I have told myself for so long that I can’t do.

Finding out my “why”

One of my dearest friends told me about the importance of why I wanted to go down this path. And this was something I battled with. After a lot of soul searching, I had to call it and tell it like it is. This was all a very cosmetic issue for me. I wanted to look a certain way. Anything else that came along with it was a total added bonus. Sounds shallow? Yes. Something that might need to be addressed during therapy? Absolutely. But is it the truth? Heck yes! And this is the kind of honesty that kicked me into gear.

The mental and the physical

There is a part of this process I don’t think I could have made it through without, and that is mindfulness. This took me a long time to establish into the journey however, I realize now it is oh-so important. Even if it’s light yoga, I try and squeeze in a light flow once or twice a week. Who you are on the mat says a lot about who you are off the mat. I have also recently found meditation, and while I am super new to it, this is a journey with ups and downs and you have to learn to quieten the mind and remind yourself the need to let go a little. I have even added a digital detox every Saturday evening where I turn on my record player, light a candle, do my face routine and find comfort in books and magazines. Thank God I found Cereal and Science of the Secondary. Gorgeous writing! And of course, therapy. It’s like I have been told, as life happens, we are always in therapy. Most important lesson here is to truly learn to love yourself. Something I struggle with every darn day but for days it’s especially hard, insert Jin from BTS singing, “I’m the one I should love in this world”.

So what now?

I have been at a plateau for months. When I used the tape measure last, I had put on a couple of centimetres but you know what? It was Diwali and then Christmas and then New Year and then the lead up to the birthday and all this celebration comes with food that I will not say not to.

I also want to say that I love curves and I think they are beautiful, and in no way should anyone’s personal value be affiliated with the size of their waist. This is just something that I have chosen, based on my truth that potentially is the result of some long seeded wiring. It will be unpacked eventually but there have been many lessons learnt until I unpack it all. And what I have learnt best on this journey is that it’s not about how many times you fall off the wagon, it’s about how many times you are willing to get back on even harder!

Happy Birthday, 36 year old Namrata.
I’m so pleased you are doing this for you. Remember to celebrate and live and love.
Big hug, 35 year old Namrata.

P.S. In case you are looking to start your fitness journey and are looking for anything and everything to help, here is everything I use to keep me on track.

I got my hands on this weighing scale recently and haven’t even worked out all the wonders it can provide. It can give you your BMI (while not a 100% accurate it can be used for mapping).

Food scale. We think we know how much we are eating. Until we realize we really don’t. 33 grams of cereal is a LOT more in my head than it is in reality.

Noom. This app got me committed to this journey. It’s a great place to start.

My Fitness Pal. Again, we think we know how much we are eating until you log it and then, what the what?

The Daily Page Planner. This planner helps me remember that I have to include water, wellness and food planning into my daily life.

My Fitbit Charge 4 is my fav! I have had to learn the art of joyful movement. Walks with my favourite music. Potentially dancing to jams while getting ready in the morning. All the fun things. But this fairly affordably device reminds you to get up and move and this girl lives for reminders.

Yoga with Adriene. So many sessions for any type or mood or level of experience with yoga. She’s rad!

House of Pause. Where I started my meditation journey and where I plan to continue.

PHOTO CREDIT: Creative direction and photography by Gaya

Author: Namrata

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